200kmph minimum

I know you've all been waiting for this bit.

Well, if you haven't, I have.

****

Now I'd always thought of myself as a person who wouldn't skydive. This was something I was pretty sure of. It had never appealed to me. I felt slightly nauseous every time I considered it. I don't really enjoy rollercoasters. In fact, last time I had to go on one, I cried a little bit. Just on the inside. I don't mind heights, I just really, really dislike the flippy stomach feeling that you get. I hate the stomach feeling. It's my least favourite feeling in the world, which just goes to show what a sheltered life I've led. 

Tim, on the other hand, was pretty certain he was going to go skydiving. He talked about it incessantly. Just as incessantly, I reassured him I would never skydive. 

Then this happened:

Tim:(browsing on the Kiwi equivalent of Groupon)

 "look at this sweet offer! 50% off a Chinese meal in Palmy!:

Me: "Wow! That is a good offer!"

Tim: "I think we should just get this voucher right now."

Me: "I LOVE OFFERS. LET'S BUY IT."

Tim: "Ok! I've bought it! Cheap Chinese meal here we come!"

Me: "Yay! I love cheap Chinese meals!"

Tim: "Hey, there's another one. 50% off tandem skydives at Taupo!"

Me: "Wow! That is a good offer!"

Tim: "I think we should just buy them right now. 50% off! That's 2 for 1!:

Me: "I LOVE 2 FOR 1 OFFERS."

Tim: "Well I've just bought 2 skydives!"

Me: "...................................................................................holy shit."

******

Trapped. Trapped by my own love for amazing deals. Well I knew it would happen one day.

******

In the lead up to the skydive, I canvassed as many opinions as I could about skydiving. 

Me: "I hear it's not really that scary.

Other people: "Well...it's not really that scary. Apart from when you get into the harness. And then you get into the plane. And then it keeps going higher and higher. And then higher. And then they open the door and the wind comes rushing in. And because you're attached to someone, they shuffle you forward so you're kneeling out of the plane facing downwards and you can't move at all and you're looking down thinking, "I'm going to die" and looking down at the ground really, really far away and wondering when they're going to push you out and how fast you're going to go and how far away it really is to the ground and then they push you out and you're just falling."

Me: "....................................................WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME. WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT IN SUCH GRAPHIC DETAIL?"

Other people: "Ahh.....yeah it's not that bad really.:

Me: "...............ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!!! :'-( :'-( :'-("

Later, I recount this conversation to Tim.

Tim: "I'm afraid."

Me: "NOW YOU'RE AFRAID! NOW YOU'RE BLOODY AFRAID!"

Tim: "yeah..................but it was a good offer, wasn't it?"

Me: "I GRUDGINGLY AGREE, but I'm NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT."

*******

So that's where we were, emotionally, before the dive.

The prep to skydiving was very surreal. There were three parts of me all vying for attention: the relaxed, logical part, that said, "hmm. I'm strangely relaxed about this." There was the excited part, that said, "I'M SO EXCITED!!! I'M GOING TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE!!!! This is going to be FRICKING AWESOME." And then there was a tiny wave of panic that occasionally presented itself as, "HOLY SHIT. HOLY, HOLY SHIT." 

Despite Tim and I having a good long talk about not being sold a stupid video or upgrading to 15000 ft (Tim: "12,500 seems plenty high enough"), as soon as the woman sat us down and talked us through the options, we were instantly persuaded both to buy a stupid video, and to upgrade to 15000ft, almost effortlessly (Tim: "12,500 just doesn't seem high enough...."). 

The other couple stayed firm, and jumped out at 12,500ft. 

I went to the loo three times beforehand and I severely regretted that cheesecake. It sat heavily on my stomach, along with the cream and the ice cream, and seemed to be mocking me. 

I got strapped into my jumpsuit. It was orange and quite fetching. I had a moment of panic. It subsided.

I got strapped into my harness. My dive instructor came up to me and tugged on the straps. "These straps look old!" he said. 

Dive instructor 2: "Yeah....they might hold out for this one though."

Dive instructor 1: "Awww man, I've already lost one yesterday."

Dive instructor 2: "It's ok. Three strikes rule, remember?"

Me:  "Am I strike two?"

Dive instructor 1: "Yeah, that's right."

Me: "That's how it works in medicine too."

Dive instructor 2: "Oh yeah? Do they learn surgery from youtube as well?"

Me: "You mean there's some other way to learn surgery?"

Dive instructor 1: "I don't know man, you're the expert. All I know is that I was up till 3am trying to figure out this parachute shit on youtube last night, but I think I've got it."

Me: "How long have you been skydiving?"

Dive instructor 1: "About 18 hours."

Me: *entertained*

I should add that all the way through this, Tim was looking highly anxious, which I considered insulting and rude given that he was the only reason I was there. I felt great. Chilled. Relaxed. Just great. 

Then I saw the plane and I had another little wave of panic. It subsided. 

The plane was a tiny little thing with two benches inside that we slid in on, backs against our instructors. 

Instructor 1: (to me) "Sit on my lap! (I do so) Is she always this flirtatious?"

Tim: "She's uncontrollable."

Instructor 2: "Do you know she offered me $500 to take you out?"

Tim: "$500!"

Instructor 2: "Yeah it's not much is it? Still, I'll do it."

Me: "Aw.....no, I've changed my mind."

Instructor 2: "Pussying out, are we? Well you're not getting your advance back. (To Tim) Ok, since I'm not taking you out any more we may as well strap up. It's your turn to sit on my lap. (Tim does so) It's kind of weird, isn't it?"

Me: "Oh Tim went to a boys' school. This is standard for him."

Instructor 1: "Oh, he likes it that way, does he?"

Tim: "I did NOT go to a boys' school!"

Me: "Yeah, he does."

Tim: *opens and shuts mouth in futile fury.*

*******

We got to 12,500 ft, and the door opened to let the other couple (quite anxious, German) out. This was the first really scary bit for me. Every time one of them jumped out of the plane, the plane would judder upwards and I would think, "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! Their bodyweight just left the motherfucking plane! We are literally lighter by two people! BECAUSE THEY ARE PLUMETTING TO EARTH!"

Then I'd be all like, "ah well, c'est la vie."

Because being on a plane is so relatively normal and everyday, I was unable to be afraid as we climbed higher and higher. The view was great, the sun was shining, we were on a plane. I've been on a plane loads of times and I'd never yet jumped out of one. My brain, fond follower of inductive reasoning, saw no reason to panic.

They opened the door.

I was not afraid.

Me (in my head): "hmm I really hope I go first. I don't want to go last."

Tim (in his head - as he told me later) "hmm, I really hope Connie goes first. I really do NOT want to go first."

Dive instructor 2: (to Tim) "Well, we're going first!"

Tim: "ah....great."

They shuffled forwards, leaned out, and Tim and Instructor 2 fell out of the door.

I was like

"!!!!!"

Then I was immediately like, "oh well. He's probably having fun on the way down."

Instructor 1: "It's our turn!"

We shuffled forward.

This was the view. 

I was like, "well.....that's a long way to fall."

And then we fell.

I had 1 second of extreme tummy unpleasantness.

And then it was amazing. Just amazing. Not scary at all.

It was a perfect day. The sky was blue. The sky was clear. The lake was as blue as the sky.

And I was falling out of a plane.

I've since learned what the dangling thing is. It's to help keep us straight in the air, and facing downwards.

Look at beautiful, beautiful Lake Taupo. 

I had extreme jealousy at that moment of all skydivers before me. How did this thing exist and I didn't realise how awesome it was? I was overtaken with a wild irrational urge to start base jumping.

This is an amazing photo of the wind blowing my face into the most comedic shapes imaginable.

My mouth was quite dry by the end. 

I was falling quite fast. 

The parachute finally deployed at 1 minute in.

The cameraman waved us goodbye.

And we floated down, into a perfect green field, framed against a perfect blue sky.

****

Try it some time, folks. You might be surprised by just how wonderful it all is.