Bacon rrrrrolll

Dear folks,

An announcement from Nights in New Zealand:

New Zealanders do not know about bacon sandwiches.

True Story. When Tim and Dave, fellow brit abroad, went for breakfast after nights, Dave, in his inimitable Scottish way, asked for a 'bacon roll' at the breakfast counter of the hospital.

Server: "What?"
Dave: "A bacon roll."
Server: "I don't understand."
Dave: "A roll...with bacon in it."
Server: "What?"
Dave: "It's a sandwich. You put bacon between two bits of bread."
Server: "We don't do that here."
Dave: "No, it's very simple....you...I can see the bread from here! It's just over there! And there's bacon right in front of me!"
Server: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Dave: "Can you just give me a plate with bacon on and two slices of bread and I'll make it myself?"
Server: ".....ok........if you're sure that's what you want...."

And now Dave is established firmly as a massive weirdo in the hospital cafeteria.

After a few months of living here, we realised that something they fricking love in New Zealand is a thing called the asparagus roll, which is, wait for it.....a bit of asparagus rolled up, yes, literally rolled up, in a bit of white bread. New Zealand cuisine at its finest, and I'm not counting the Kiwi dip (first definition loves - it is literally a packet of onion soup mix and some sour cream. I literally cannot understand how anyone invented this. It is disgusting) the fairy bread, and the countless other oddities Kiwis apparently enjoy putting into their mouths.

I love New Zealand, but honestly. Packet onion soup mix? In a fricking dip? It's against all laws of man and nature.

So, anyway, having realised that the asparagus roll exists, Tim and I wondered if perhaps the Kiwis had got confused about Dave's bacon roll. Whether they'd thought he actually wanted a bit of bacon literally rolled up inside a little bit of bread, like the asparagus. To be fair, we thought, that would be a pretty bonkers request. And so we forgave the Kiwis.

But today proved once and for all that Kiwis just actually do not understand what a bacon roll is. They just lack the concept.

After nights, Tim and I popped over to the cafe across the road, which is, for reasons best known to itself and the owner, called Not Now, James! (with the exclamation mark. I didn't add it.) We were post nights. We were tired. We were, for the first time since coming to this country, quite fancying a bacon sandwich. A bacon butty. If you will, a bacon rrrooll.

This was the conversation at the counter:

Me: "Could we have a bacon sandwich please?"
Server: "What?"
Me: "Just a sandwich, with some bacon in it?"
Server: "Do you mean a toasted sandwich?"
Me: "No no. Just two bits of bread. With bacon in the middle."
Server: "......just bacon? Between two bits of bread?"
Tim: "Well with a bit of sauce as well, if you can manage that."
Server: "Right. I'll ask the kitchen."

Long debate in the kitchen later.

Server: "Just bacon? Between some white bread?"
Me: (stifling urge to laugh) "Yes. That's it."

At this point, the kitchen staff poked its head out

Kitchen: "You do realise that the bacon will be hot, don't you?"
Me: "!!!! Yes I hope so!"
Kitchen: "Right. So you want hot bacon...in between two slices of normal bread, and a bit of sauce. And you're sure that's what you want."
Me: "You guys don't really do the concept of bacon sandwiches in this country, do you?"
Server: "Well....we do have them. Like...do you mean the BLT?"

Ah, bless you love. I do not mean the BLT.

Anyway, we got our bacon sandwich (it took a long time, and with mysteriously cool bacon in the middle - Tim and I are convinced that they really couldn't believe hat we wanted hot bacon in a sandwich and deliberately cooled it down for us) in the end, plus proof that the Kiwis really just don't get the concept of bacon sandwiches. And, reviewing our order, it does seem a bit odd for the unintiated - hot bacon, between two limp slices of white bread, with a bit of sauce? And nothing else? Really? How...how can that be tasty?

To which I can only say: as tasty as Kiwi dip, my Kiwi friends. At least as tasty as Kiwi dip.